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(no subject)
Jun. 19th, 2021 10:42 pmToday was actually just fucking pleasant.
More later.
More later.
(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2021 11:16 pmIn this last week of my masters program, I would give just about anything to be in physical space with my cohort who has suffered and struggled and grown alongside me for the past three years.
We used to gather every Friday to decompress together at this crappy hotel bar called the Congress and I was not ready for the last silly, exhausted, too short gathering there to be the last one ever.
I lost nearly half of this sacred time and space of formation to this goddamn pandemic and I'm fuckin... Wistful.
It is too much to ask us to take ourselves apart piece by piece as we learn to be of ultimate service without also being able to hold each other in our clear-eyed brokenness, or sacred moments of total loss. I think all the time about what it would be like to hold the hand of a colleague again after a difficult conversation or lovingly regarded conflict. I think of what it felt like to live for a month at a time with no exposure to others outside of the covenantal relationship, exploring the practice of reciprocal trust so deeply that resurfacing into the standard world brings a mix of relief and shock and frustration.
I miss those little moments of respect for each other - holding thoughtful silence over breakfast while each resident prepares for another day. Listening carefully to someone's process over lunch. Sitting in communal heartbreak over someone's unbidden flood of tears. Sudden soul-bearing regarded as an expected daily occurrence, not a weird or threatening error of vulnerability.
I miss the mid-week exhaustion. Rolling our eyes at ourselves as we get prickly, leaning on the grace of awareness. The spontaneous appearance of food or coffee for anyone going wanting. The casual sharing of play-doh and stim toys as we all work to keep our focus.
The ranting and debating which lasts late into the night, disrupted by a sudden shared awareness of a whispered snowfall or full silver moon. Long weekend days on pajamas wandering through the living room, silently turning pages in library books.
And oh, the library! The first of the morning light reflecting off the lake into the extra-real window wall. Librarians who might actually be the living embodiment of love of knowledge. Deep in the stacks, entire stretches of time unexplored. The soft paper of yellowed pages whispering forgotten memories into the still, ink-scented air.
I miss... Knowing that people around me understood that this is fucking hard. I can't begin to tell you HOW hard. But the awareness was palpable, and that's gone now - mixed with a digital denial, and the impossible expectation that this path can be made accessible to everyone with no sacrifice. We were given some tools and thrown to the winds, knowing that if we were to fly, it would be by choice.
I miss my colleagues. I can still hear the sound of freezing rain against the windows of that hotel bar. I can taste the weak drinks and see the frenzy as tired people blow off steam dancing to the jukebox. This is never coming back, but I'll treasure those two years forever.
We used to gather every Friday to decompress together at this crappy hotel bar called the Congress and I was not ready for the last silly, exhausted, too short gathering there to be the last one ever.
I lost nearly half of this sacred time and space of formation to this goddamn pandemic and I'm fuckin... Wistful.
It is too much to ask us to take ourselves apart piece by piece as we learn to be of ultimate service without also being able to hold each other in our clear-eyed brokenness, or sacred moments of total loss. I think all the time about what it would be like to hold the hand of a colleague again after a difficult conversation or lovingly regarded conflict. I think of what it felt like to live for a month at a time with no exposure to others outside of the covenantal relationship, exploring the practice of reciprocal trust so deeply that resurfacing into the standard world brings a mix of relief and shock and frustration.
I miss those little moments of respect for each other - holding thoughtful silence over breakfast while each resident prepares for another day. Listening carefully to someone's process over lunch. Sitting in communal heartbreak over someone's unbidden flood of tears. Sudden soul-bearing regarded as an expected daily occurrence, not a weird or threatening error of vulnerability.
I miss the mid-week exhaustion. Rolling our eyes at ourselves as we get prickly, leaning on the grace of awareness. The spontaneous appearance of food or coffee for anyone going wanting. The casual sharing of play-doh and stim toys as we all work to keep our focus.
The ranting and debating which lasts late into the night, disrupted by a sudden shared awareness of a whispered snowfall or full silver moon. Long weekend days on pajamas wandering through the living room, silently turning pages in library books.
And oh, the library! The first of the morning light reflecting off the lake into the extra-real window wall. Librarians who might actually be the living embodiment of love of knowledge. Deep in the stacks, entire stretches of time unexplored. The soft paper of yellowed pages whispering forgotten memories into the still, ink-scented air.
I miss... Knowing that people around me understood that this is fucking hard. I can't begin to tell you HOW hard. But the awareness was palpable, and that's gone now - mixed with a digital denial, and the impossible expectation that this path can be made accessible to everyone with no sacrifice. We were given some tools and thrown to the winds, knowing that if we were to fly, it would be by choice.
I miss my colleagues. I can still hear the sound of freezing rain against the windows of that hotel bar. I can taste the weak drinks and see the frenzy as tired people blow off steam dancing to the jukebox. This is never coming back, but I'll treasure those two years forever.
Strange question
Mar. 17th, 2021 12:44 amCan anyone relate to this weird emotion I've been dealing with today?
(Or more accurately failing to deal with, it's kicking my ass.)
So I woke up this morning from a dream and I don't remember much there is to describe about it, but I remember a bunch of indescribable imagery/scenery things. What I remember is that I saw something so beautiful it was heartbreaking. Every time I picture the shape and colors in my mind I'm filled with grief that I'll never see it in real life. I am even crying-sad at the idea that I may never see that place in a dream again either.
All day I've just been in despair that I can't return to that dream. I want to spend all of time standing and looking at that beautiful place. It's almost like this has taken the place of all the other pain I'm struggling to manage and nothing has meaning if this dreamscape slips away.
...and yes I'm 100% aware of how cocoa puffs this is. I can't put it out of my mind or let it go and this is obviously some sort of delusion. It's also REALLY interesting which is a motivator to write it down. I've never heard this sort of thing described by anyone else before. Have any of you?
(Or more accurately failing to deal with, it's kicking my ass.)
So I woke up this morning from a dream and I don't remember much there is to describe about it, but I remember a bunch of indescribable imagery/scenery things. What I remember is that I saw something so beautiful it was heartbreaking. Every time I picture the shape and colors in my mind I'm filled with grief that I'll never see it in real life. I am even crying-sad at the idea that I may never see that place in a dream again either.
All day I've just been in despair that I can't return to that dream. I want to spend all of time standing and looking at that beautiful place. It's almost like this has taken the place of all the other pain I'm struggling to manage and nothing has meaning if this dreamscape slips away.
...and yes I'm 100% aware of how cocoa puffs this is. I can't put it out of my mind or let it go and this is obviously some sort of delusion. It's also REALLY interesting which is a motivator to write it down. I've never heard this sort of thing described by anyone else before. Have any of you?
(no subject)
Mar. 10th, 2021 04:54 amWow, night really sneaks up on me.
I found out this morning that my colleague with whom I work closely and have become good friends, R, is in a nightmare scenario. His husband, E, had a major stroke out of nowhere and is in critical condition. R and E are both very dear to me, as well as our community and it's hitting us all hard.
I was busy all day with working and managing my fatigue but I just bolted awake around 4am with the weirdest reaction. First I was up and walking around before I even connected with any thoughts or feelings. I had the desperate urge to (unclear) and the only thing that sounded right as eating an apple and drinking a big glass of water while sitting in the living room in the dark. A complicated choice, since I've been having muscular dysfunction in my throat, but I managed not to choke on anything and it did feel nice to have something in my stomach. I realized I was heartbroken and terrified.
Came back to bed and tried to fall asleep but I'm too wound up. Trying breathing techniques because I've seen enough of what happens to people's mental health when they don't sleep... Nothing yet. Writing this out seems to be helping, though.
I have this gut feeling that E is not going to survive, and I can't begin to explain how that feels. In a couple of hours I'm going to go for my nature walk and process that way.
Stay safe, everyone, we all need you.
I found out this morning that my colleague with whom I work closely and have become good friends, R, is in a nightmare scenario. His husband, E, had a major stroke out of nowhere and is in critical condition. R and E are both very dear to me, as well as our community and it's hitting us all hard.
I was busy all day with working and managing my fatigue but I just bolted awake around 4am with the weirdest reaction. First I was up and walking around before I even connected with any thoughts or feelings. I had the desperate urge to (unclear) and the only thing that sounded right as eating an apple and drinking a big glass of water while sitting in the living room in the dark. A complicated choice, since I've been having muscular dysfunction in my throat, but I managed not to choke on anything and it did feel nice to have something in my stomach. I realized I was heartbroken and terrified.
Came back to bed and tried to fall asleep but I'm too wound up. Trying breathing techniques because I've seen enough of what happens to people's mental health when they don't sleep... Nothing yet. Writing this out seems to be helping, though.
I have this gut feeling that E is not going to survive, and I can't begin to explain how that feels. In a couple of hours I'm going to go for my nature walk and process that way.
Stay safe, everyone, we all need you.
(no subject)
Mar. 6th, 2021 12:59 pmAfter a very long week of many terrible unexpected things happening in a row, I finally had a couple of better days.
I asked for a few mental health days and then on Tuesday night I had a conversation that helped me move forward a little.
Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling raspy like I had been screaming and physically very sore and almost sprained all over. I ate some breakfast and then got back in my nest and fell asleep from like... Noon to 4:30. Then I went to class and then went to bed again.
On Thursday I did a little work, a little school, went to another class, and then Spouse and I went out to have a couple of $5 cocktails in front of Rocket to Venus. We had a really nice conversation and then came home and I made a fancy ramen.
Friday morning it was sunny; I went for my walk and found a bunch of little signs of spring! Plus a carpet of snowdrops which was gorgeous. I only did about half the distance I usually enjoy walking, but I've been very fatigued and I could tell I didn't have enough energy.
It's been a long time since I've been anywhere so I tagged along for a few errands (garden center for perlite, marshalls for dog stuffies, in front of wegmans for grocery pickup). That was too much so then I had to go back to bed.
I haven't been able to work at my desk most days lately because sitting up in a desk chair is too hard. I'm trying to decide if it's worth moving my setup into my bedroom (zoom makes this complicated). Reclining in my daybed/bed cross is the only way I don't feel like I'm dying a little bit.
The other big news is that my work had a payroll error and actually owes me a lot of money. They are reimbursing me immediately now that I've pointed out the mistake and discovering I have (redacted) more dollars than I thought I had is taking a lot of stress off my mind.
I've got a lot of work and school to catch up on, so if you have advice for managing fatigue (other than rest a lot) I'm willing to hear it.
I asked for a few mental health days and then on Tuesday night I had a conversation that helped me move forward a little.
Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling raspy like I had been screaming and physically very sore and almost sprained all over. I ate some breakfast and then got back in my nest and fell asleep from like... Noon to 4:30. Then I went to class and then went to bed again.
On Thursday I did a little work, a little school, went to another class, and then Spouse and I went out to have a couple of $5 cocktails in front of Rocket to Venus. We had a really nice conversation and then came home and I made a fancy ramen.
Friday morning it was sunny; I went for my walk and found a bunch of little signs of spring! Plus a carpet of snowdrops which was gorgeous. I only did about half the distance I usually enjoy walking, but I've been very fatigued and I could tell I didn't have enough energy.
It's been a long time since I've been anywhere so I tagged along for a few errands (garden center for perlite, marshalls for dog stuffies, in front of wegmans for grocery pickup). That was too much so then I had to go back to bed.
I haven't been able to work at my desk most days lately because sitting up in a desk chair is too hard. I'm trying to decide if it's worth moving my setup into my bedroom (zoom makes this complicated). Reclining in my daybed/bed cross is the only way I don't feel like I'm dying a little bit.
The other big news is that my work had a payroll error and actually owes me a lot of money. They are reimbursing me immediately now that I've pointed out the mistake and discovering I have (redacted) more dollars than I thought I had is taking a lot of stress off my mind.
I've got a lot of work and school to catch up on, so if you have advice for managing fatigue (other than rest a lot) I'm willing to hear it.
Let's blog about some mundane stuff
Feb. 19th, 2021 06:04 pmI've been encouraging myself to do some healthy choices by putting stickers on cards when I do the thing I'm supposed to do. One card is for when I brush my teeth, one is for when I meditate, etc. This is working pretty well. Another win is that I discovered this gorgeous trail walk in the Hopkins park just a couple of blocks from home. It's next to a large stream and it's a perfect two miles round-trip, and has lots of little fairy ponds and moss and stuff. I decided the first time that I was going to try to do this walk every day. In a week, I've gone five times. Yay!
Yesterday I ended up on a three hour zoom call where my cohort tried to explain to an increasingly-defensive professor that he's ACTUALLY killing us with too much homework. It was horrible and frustrating and he handled it so poorly. I hate everything.
Today I have done very little. I had a 90 minute meeting with my internship committee and I'm trying to summon the focus to do some work. I have some pastoral care calls to make.
I think I'll read a little bit too transition into focus. There's a book I'm screening for the youth group as an alternative to Harry Potter and it's amazing so far! It's called Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor and it's a young adult book about a young girl in Nigeria. Highly recommend it for those trying to fill that JK TERFling hole in your life.
On the media front, I've been watching Modern Family by day (not really a recommendation but I like the gay husband representation). By night, Spouse and I have been watching Twin Peaks. It's such an overblown soap opera! Very entertaining, even if lacking the dark supernatural eeriness i had been led to expect.
This last bit has a bit of a content warning, in terms of it being pandemic-related despair fuel:
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with having heard that things are probably never going back to how they used to be with social space and contact. Sure everything changes, but I'm still overwhelmed with grief at everything I may not ever enjoy again, like social dancing. (For context it's not likely I can get the vaccine safely).
Additionally, it seems like everyone's COVID fatigue has hitched on to the minor improvements and resulted in a lot of giving up on any safety. People who have held out until now are doing risky things. There's less mask compliance. My congregation is starting in-person activities (!??!!?!?!?) And my graduation is BEING HELD IN PERSON (?!?!?!?!?) And I only feel all the more isolated as I continue to sit at home, waiting to see if there is a future at all.
Blergh.
Yesterday I ended up on a three hour zoom call where my cohort tried to explain to an increasingly-defensive professor that he's ACTUALLY killing us with too much homework. It was horrible and frustrating and he handled it so poorly. I hate everything.
Today I have done very little. I had a 90 minute meeting with my internship committee and I'm trying to summon the focus to do some work. I have some pastoral care calls to make.
I think I'll read a little bit too transition into focus. There's a book I'm screening for the youth group as an alternative to Harry Potter and it's amazing so far! It's called Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor and it's a young adult book about a young girl in Nigeria. Highly recommend it for those trying to fill that JK TERFling hole in your life.
On the media front, I've been watching Modern Family by day (not really a recommendation but I like the gay husband representation). By night, Spouse and I have been watching Twin Peaks. It's such an overblown soap opera! Very entertaining, even if lacking the dark supernatural eeriness i had been led to expect.
This last bit has a bit of a content warning, in terms of it being pandemic-related despair fuel:
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with having heard that things are probably never going back to how they used to be with social space and contact. Sure everything changes, but I'm still overwhelmed with grief at everything I may not ever enjoy again, like social dancing. (For context it's not likely I can get the vaccine safely).
Additionally, it seems like everyone's COVID fatigue has hitched on to the minor improvements and resulted in a lot of giving up on any safety. People who have held out until now are doing risky things. There's less mask compliance. My congregation is starting in-person activities (!??!!?!?!?) And my graduation is BEING HELD IN PERSON (?!?!?!?!?) And I only feel all the more isolated as I continue to sit at home, waiting to see if there is a future at all.
Blergh.
(no subject)
Dec. 15th, 2020 11:09 amI've been quieter lately because
a) I started playing piano again and it rebalanced my neurotransmitters
b) I wrote 34 pages of final papers over 32 hours last week (divided into two marathon sessions) on top of my normal work week so I wasn't up to writing anything else
c) it's winter and I'm sleeeeeepy
d) a bunch of my friends reached out to me so I'm not as lonely and needing to talk as usual
But anyway, just to prove things aren't always dramatic in mirandaland, a quick update:
I have completed semester 7 of 8 and registered for my final classes of seminary.
I'm considering pushing back MFC date because the pandemic has really truncated my resources and I don't feel like I've been preparing as I should. Some of my colleagues had their interview two weeks ago and their experiences are not making me more confident.
Spouse and I quarantined so we could go to their parents' house for Hanukkah. Then we went food shopping, and now we are quarantining again so we can visit my parents in Asheville for Christmas.
I begged off two full days without Job at the beginning of the month because I desperately needed some mental space to process some grief and trauma. It was effective! I got to a really interesting serene place and ended up sending letters of apology for old things that I had screwed up with a few of my loved ones. I have a few more to do, but this is enough for now. This is also partly a belated follow-up to a conversation I had in a support group about making amends, where I realized I was so hung up on resenting the people who I feel me an apology but won't offer one, that I have forgotten to appreciate what a gift it has been from those who have shown me they care in such a way.
Then a bunch of mundane stuff! Finances are stressful. Our basement floods when it rains but that's pretty easy to mitigate. I'm hitting something like a daily/weekly routine which balances work, rest, housework, hygiene, and meals (but not recreation, sadly).
Lastly, an entertaining story: on Saturday, I was struggling to function around my exhaustion and I pulled a tarot card about it. Star reversed, which is essentially "you are totally actually drained of energy, rest." So i was like "yes, thanks, any tips on how to rest?"
But my deck kept giving me the title card after that, so I texted my Tarot friend and told them about it. Friend pulled a card asking "how can Ro get some rest?"
And pulled the card "DEATH"
a) I started playing piano again and it rebalanced my neurotransmitters
b) I wrote 34 pages of final papers over 32 hours last week (divided into two marathon sessions) on top of my normal work week so I wasn't up to writing anything else
c) it's winter and I'm sleeeeeepy
d) a bunch of my friends reached out to me so I'm not as lonely and needing to talk as usual
But anyway, just to prove things aren't always dramatic in mirandaland, a quick update:
I have completed semester 7 of 8 and registered for my final classes of seminary.
I'm considering pushing back MFC date because the pandemic has really truncated my resources and I don't feel like I've been preparing as I should. Some of my colleagues had their interview two weeks ago and their experiences are not making me more confident.
Spouse and I quarantined so we could go to their parents' house for Hanukkah. Then we went food shopping, and now we are quarantining again so we can visit my parents in Asheville for Christmas.
I begged off two full days without Job at the beginning of the month because I desperately needed some mental space to process some grief and trauma. It was effective! I got to a really interesting serene place and ended up sending letters of apology for old things that I had screwed up with a few of my loved ones. I have a few more to do, but this is enough for now. This is also partly a belated follow-up to a conversation I had in a support group about making amends, where I realized I was so hung up on resenting the people who I feel me an apology but won't offer one, that I have forgotten to appreciate what a gift it has been from those who have shown me they care in such a way.
Then a bunch of mundane stuff! Finances are stressful. Our basement floods when it rains but that's pretty easy to mitigate. I'm hitting something like a daily/weekly routine which balances work, rest, housework, hygiene, and meals (but not recreation, sadly).
Lastly, an entertaining story: on Saturday, I was struggling to function around my exhaustion and I pulled a tarot card about it. Star reversed, which is essentially "you are totally actually drained of energy, rest." So i was like "yes, thanks, any tips on how to rest?"
But my deck kept giving me the title card after that, so I texted my Tarot friend and told them about it. Friend pulled a card asking "how can Ro get some rest?"
And pulled the card "DEATH"
(no subject)
Dec. 6th, 2020 09:52 amOnce the pandemic is over I'm going to find a way to travel to Scotland. Life is too short not to travel to Scotland when possible.
(no subject)
Nov. 27th, 2020 12:35 pmMe: please don't talk about pregnancy and babies with me for at least the next few months, I can't handle it, it makes me feel like I'm being swallowed by the grief amoeba and at this point I dissociate from it so much that I can't feel feelings for days at a time. Friends can talk to me about their own babies but that's pretty much the only exception. At the very least, please give me a content warning and a chance to opt out.
Everyone: HEY LOOK AT ALL THESE CUTE BABY VIDEOS LOOK AT THIS TINY HUMAN LEARNING TO TALK HEY GUESS WHO IS PREGNANT I HEARD THIS GREAT STORY ABOUT BABIES HEY LOOK ANOTHER CHILDBIRTH PLOTLINE ON A TV SHOW YOU LIKE WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT THE PHONE WHEN I SHARE BABY VIDEOS WITH YOU HEY ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING PREGNANT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? BE HAPPY BE HAPPY BE HAPPY
My uterus: *slowly fills with molten lava* glub.
Everyone: HEY LOOK AT ALL THESE CUTE BABY VIDEOS LOOK AT THIS TINY HUMAN LEARNING TO TALK HEY GUESS WHO IS PREGNANT I HEARD THIS GREAT STORY ABOUT BABIES HEY LOOK ANOTHER CHILDBIRTH PLOTLINE ON A TV SHOW YOU LIKE WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT THE PHONE WHEN I SHARE BABY VIDEOS WITH YOU HEY ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING PREGNANT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? BE HAPPY BE HAPPY BE HAPPY
My uterus: *slowly fills with molten lava* glub.
(no subject)
Nov. 21st, 2020 09:07 amDefinitely not in a good emotional place today. Very burnt out. The dog is being horrible because she's bored thanks to COVID nixing her social prospects. I've been having trouble sleeping. People are pissing me off and I want to fight the next asshole rather than continuing to restrain myself. And if I'm losing that level of self-control, I should probably self isolate.
In a weird parallel, my MCAS is suddenly flaring again and I really need to cut down on the foods I'm eating and shift to only low-histamine diet but uhh I don't wanna. What's worse, only eating plain rice or my digestive system feeling like it's on fire? Unsure.
I also feel like I'm not really allowed to acknowledge my own Seasonal Affective stuff because everyone around me has it worse and also I clearly hated Bay weather more. TBH it's not the cold that bothers me at all, it's the short daylight. I feel insane when there's no sun and that's harder to hide with an unfashionable sleep schedule when night time is 5pm to 8am (and my job is in the Pacific time zone so it's functionally night from 2pm to 5am. Ugh.)
Anyway yes I'm grouchy and I also missed my T shot this week which definitely doesn't help. Trying to write about it instead of sinking into worse ideas.
In a weird parallel, my MCAS is suddenly flaring again and I really need to cut down on the foods I'm eating and shift to only low-histamine diet but uhh I don't wanna. What's worse, only eating plain rice or my digestive system feeling like it's on fire? Unsure.
I also feel like I'm not really allowed to acknowledge my own Seasonal Affective stuff because everyone around me has it worse and also I clearly hated Bay weather more. TBH it's not the cold that bothers me at all, it's the short daylight. I feel insane when there's no sun and that's harder to hide with an unfashionable sleep schedule when night time is 5pm to 8am (and my job is in the Pacific time zone so it's functionally night from 2pm to 5am. Ugh.)
Anyway yes I'm grouchy and I also missed my T shot this week which definitely doesn't help. Trying to write about it instead of sinking into worse ideas.
Corgis are extremely silly dogs
Nov. 16th, 2020 09:12 amLast night Saoirse was being dramatically snuggly and rolled onto her back to get scritches. Belly-up pup is a very flattened state, and in her wiggles of joy she slid partially under the couch.
Now, young miss corgi has two speeds: waiting and rocketship. So when something caught her attention she attempted to right herself and run off at full speed, not realizing her back end was partway under the couch. She rolled over, got stuck, was scared that she was stuck, screamed, and flailed around like a marlon on a hook thereby preventing herself from flattening enough to get free until I could get a hold on her and pull her out.
After being freed, she dashed on and off the couch in a spooked frenzy which could rival a thoroughbred horse several times, and then sat down next to me and finally let off one loud BORK which seemed to release enough energy that she could start to settle down.
Now, young miss corgi has two speeds: waiting and rocketship. So when something caught her attention she attempted to right herself and run off at full speed, not realizing her back end was partway under the couch. She rolled over, got stuck, was scared that she was stuck, screamed, and flailed around like a marlon on a hook thereby preventing herself from flattening enough to get free until I could get a hold on her and pull her out.
After being freed, she dashed on and off the couch in a spooked frenzy which could rival a thoroughbred horse several times, and then sat down next to me and finally let off one loud BORK which seemed to release enough energy that she could start to settle down.
(no subject)
Nov. 13th, 2020 02:02 pmI don't know WHAT is in the air this week but apparently every person who has lowkey sexually assaulted me since I was 22 has randomly decided to contact me?
Not that anyone who reads my DW is on that list, but for the record. If you've crossed consent boundaries with me and we don't talk anymore, go ahead and keep it that way. If you feel like you have something to say to me, let me save you some time: don't.
(Reader, you may be asking yourself, "how many people can this possibly be referring to?" And I will tell you the sad fact that since turning 22 and getting out of my HELLA abusive marriage, I have been lowkey sexually assaulted by no less than five friends/partners/metamours and two that almost happened but I kicked him out of my house or left. I've also dealt with obsessive post-relationship behavior by no less than four people who I dated casually. I've also had a lot of really lovely relationships so it hasn't been all bad by any means, but these days I pretty much don't let people touch me.)
Not that anyone who reads my DW is on that list, but for the record. If you've crossed consent boundaries with me and we don't talk anymore, go ahead and keep it that way. If you feel like you have something to say to me, let me save you some time: don't.
(Reader, you may be asking yourself, "how many people can this possibly be referring to?" And I will tell you the sad fact that since turning 22 and getting out of my HELLA abusive marriage, I have been lowkey sexually assaulted by no less than five friends/partners/metamours and two that almost happened but I kicked him out of my house or left. I've also dealt with obsessive post-relationship behavior by no less than four people who I dated casually. I've also had a lot of really lovely relationships so it hasn't been all bad by any means, but these days I pretty much don't let people touch me.)
Clobbered by the fatigue bus
Nov. 10th, 2020 09:23 amOn Sunday I woke up around 11 and Spouse and I walked the corgi two blocks each way so we could sit outside and have coffee at a cafe in our neighborhood. While we were at the table, I gradually stopped being able to remain upright and keep my eyes open. We went home and then I made the imprudent choice to go to a yardsale with them, thinking that I'd be fine in my wheelchair.
Wheelchair was a good choice, going out was not.
By the time I got home, I was in rough shape. Couldn't walk, and it took me ten minutes to crawl up the stairs on my butt. For the rest of the day, I couldn't do anything but watch low-effort media in bed. Crawling to the bathroom occasionally was a challenge. Spouse said I was visibly gray and couldn't speak clearly.
I figured I could catch up on schoolwork yesterday, but I wasn't better enough. Went on a brief trip to the store in the wheelchair again, which is helpful, but afterwards I took a three hour nap and could pretty much just handle feeding myself and sitting up in bed for the rest of the day.
I think this is coming out of a perfect storm of factors. I've been working 7 days a week since we got here on October 5th. The past two weeks, my supervisor has been eliciting an enormous amount of emotional labor. On Saturday, I had a 16 hour work day. Saturday was also a very emotional day, and even good emotions are draining. It also feels a little bit like I am on the let-down after being in fight mode for 4 years and now I need to recuperate. And the final nail in my tiny exhausted coffin is that there were a bunch of fireworks in the streets the other night, and firework smoke in particular seems to set off huge mast cell attacks for me.
Today I'm a little better. Still not super focused, but I can sit up and do a little work. Light exercise tends to help the ADHD symptoms a lot, but I haven't decided yet if that's a terrible idea.
The right choice for my body would be to take another 2-3 days to rest, but neither school nor work can give me that option right now, so I'll be loading up on B vitamins and napping between meetings I guess.
Wheelchair was a good choice, going out was not.
By the time I got home, I was in rough shape. Couldn't walk, and it took me ten minutes to crawl up the stairs on my butt. For the rest of the day, I couldn't do anything but watch low-effort media in bed. Crawling to the bathroom occasionally was a challenge. Spouse said I was visibly gray and couldn't speak clearly.
I figured I could catch up on schoolwork yesterday, but I wasn't better enough. Went on a brief trip to the store in the wheelchair again, which is helpful, but afterwards I took a three hour nap and could pretty much just handle feeding myself and sitting up in bed for the rest of the day.
I think this is coming out of a perfect storm of factors. I've been working 7 days a week since we got here on October 5th. The past two weeks, my supervisor has been eliciting an enormous amount of emotional labor. On Saturday, I had a 16 hour work day. Saturday was also a very emotional day, and even good emotions are draining. It also feels a little bit like I am on the let-down after being in fight mode for 4 years and now I need to recuperate. And the final nail in my tiny exhausted coffin is that there were a bunch of fireworks in the streets the other night, and firework smoke in particular seems to set off huge mast cell attacks for me.
Today I'm a little better. Still not super focused, but I can sit up and do a little work. Light exercise tends to help the ADHD symptoms a lot, but I haven't decided yet if that's a terrible idea.
The right choice for my body would be to take another 2-3 days to rest, but neither school nor work can give me that option right now, so I'll be loading up on B vitamins and napping between meetings I guess.
well that's a gigantic relief
Nov. 7th, 2020 10:57 amwhew, as of today there's a possibility of the world not totally ending and like, room to make some sort of positive change instead of just deflecting exploding dodgeballs all day every day. I really feel a shift - actually I started feeling it on Thursday but as of today's news it is BLOSSOMING.
It's weird how this particular period of fascism has such a bookended memory set in my life.
Preface was sitting in a cafe in Porter Square, feeling my stomach start to shake as I caught a glimpse of the news on the TV screen and saw the vote count shifting.
Chapter one was hearing it called at midnight, and feeling something break. Lying curled up with the person who would become my spouse, sobbing into each other's chests. Going for a walk around the neighborhood, a blur of fallen leaves on wet streets, at 4am because we couldn't rest. Trying to plan for what would come next.
(Many more memories under cut)
( Read more... )
It's weird how this particular period of fascism has such a bookended memory set in my life.
Preface was sitting in a cafe in Porter Square, feeling my stomach start to shake as I caught a glimpse of the news on the TV screen and saw the vote count shifting.
Chapter one was hearing it called at midnight, and feeling something break. Lying curled up with the person who would become my spouse, sobbing into each other's chests. Going for a walk around the neighborhood, a blur of fallen leaves on wet streets, at 4am because we couldn't rest. Trying to plan for what would come next.
(Many more memories under cut)
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Oct. 28th, 2020 06:43 amBack in CA, the mold situation in my apartment was setting off really bad MCAS reactions and for quite a while I was waking up in the middle of the night feeling like fresh death and convinced, in that 80% asleep way, that i had COVID.
In Baltimore that's mostly stopped - last night was the first night it happened since we got on the road. It also wasn't nearly as bad. I just have post nasal drip and I'm a little sneezy, as opposed to chest pain/can't breathe/sweating bullets. It's quite a relief to realize how much better it is for me here. I need to vacuum.
Spouse is suddenly in a very bad emotional space. It was amazing to have them present for nearly a month and i miss them already. I want to fix it but i can't. I wish there were better answers.
I have a very full work day ahead of me (yes, as usual, i suppose). I've been on the internet a lot less lately because my new phone is pretty dull compared to what I'm used to. This is definitely a plus.
In Baltimore that's mostly stopped - last night was the first night it happened since we got on the road. It also wasn't nearly as bad. I just have post nasal drip and I'm a little sneezy, as opposed to chest pain/can't breathe/sweating bullets. It's quite a relief to realize how much better it is for me here. I need to vacuum.
Spouse is suddenly in a very bad emotional space. It was amazing to have them present for nearly a month and i miss them already. I want to fix it but i can't. I wish there were better answers.
I have a very full work day ahead of me (yes, as usual, i suppose). I've been on the internet a lot less lately because my new phone is pretty dull compared to what I'm used to. This is definitely a plus.
(no subject)
Oct. 23rd, 2020 08:08 pmThis morning at 10:20 i took the dog out to the back yard to pee and, since she was being difficult, i closed the door behind me without thinking - and it locked automatically. I was bare foot and in not a ton of clothing (and our back garden is full of broken glass) so i couldn't leave the gated area.
Having no other choice, I pounded on the door and yelled intermittently... Until 11:05. Spouse did not hear me because apparently they went back to sleep. My class started at 11. I finally gave up, then, and scaled my balcony and broke in through the 2nd floor bathroom window.
(Note to self: keep window locked in future)
(Second note to self: buy a lockbox to keep an outdoor key in)
So anyway i made it to class in a very bad mood at 11:15 and then... The day improved.
Having no other choice, I pounded on the door and yelled intermittently... Until 11:05. Spouse did not hear me because apparently they went back to sleep. My class started at 11. I finally gave up, then, and scaled my balcony and broke in through the 2nd floor bathroom window.
(Note to self: keep window locked in future)
(Second note to self: buy a lockbox to keep an outdoor key in)
So anyway i made it to class in a very bad mood at 11:15 and then... The day improved.
This was going to be a longer post but i think i can actually sum up the whole situation in one line.
Ready?
I'm apparently allergic to this brand of toilet paper.
Ready?
I'm apparently allergic to this brand of toilet paper.
- breathing air that feels like velvet instead of ground glass
- rain that sounds Like That
- the pattern of change in the weather; how you get a whole day of sun or a whole day of rain but it's hard to guess which. But also no more being roasted at noon and frozen at 10pm daily
- blue light instead of orange
- the sun feels good, not like I'm standing a wee bit too close to a nuclear blast
- stone houses
- architectural details everywhere
- time that works like time
- friendly friendliness and aggressive aggression (as opposed to just passive aggression)
- gentle hills
- remote class starts at 10am instead of 7. By the time my congregation wakes up I've already had coffee and answered all my email. Yass
- you know the thing in the Patricia C Wrede books where magic users in the forest can reach up and tweak threads of magic and the connection is always there unless they leave the forest?
(Listen none of these things are inherently good/better than Bay things, they're all personal to me and my needs. The Bay is a cool place for me to visit and the wrong place for me to get stuck in. I'm in so much less despair since we came home.)
- rain that sounds Like That
- the pattern of change in the weather; how you get a whole day of sun or a whole day of rain but it's hard to guess which. But also no more being roasted at noon and frozen at 10pm daily
- blue light instead of orange
- the sun feels good, not like I'm standing a wee bit too close to a nuclear blast
- stone houses
- architectural details everywhere
- time that works like time
- friendly friendliness and aggressive aggression (as opposed to just passive aggression)
- gentle hills
- remote class starts at 10am instead of 7. By the time my congregation wakes up I've already had coffee and answered all my email. Yass
- you know the thing in the Patricia C Wrede books where magic users in the forest can reach up and tweak threads of magic and the connection is always there unless they leave the forest?
(Listen none of these things are inherently good/better than Bay things, they're all personal to me and my needs. The Bay is a cool place for me to visit and the wrong place for me to get stuck in. I'm in so much less despair since we came home.)
a conversation
Oct. 5th, 2020 06:26 pm(in the car on the way to Baltimore)
Me: Saoirse (corgi) really is happier with other dogs around
Spouse: yeah, I can see her being a lot happier with a sibling
Me: I think what we should do is move in, wait 2-3 months, then START visiting shelters to look for the right fit
Spouse: I agree. We should take our time and look for another herding dog for her to play with. But not rush into it.
Me: Yeah. Just START looking after a couple of months
(Less than a week later, two days in our new apartment)
Spouse: Look at how cute all these rescue dogs are on petfinder!
Me: very cute.
Spouse: This one seems perfect!
Me: Are you looking for another dog already?
Spouse: We did talk about it...
Me: Is this the "it's time to have another baby" conversation?
Spouse: We said we would be ready at some point!
Me: You're not wrong.
Me: Saoirse (corgi) really is happier with other dogs around
Spouse: yeah, I can see her being a lot happier with a sibling
Me: I think what we should do is move in, wait 2-3 months, then START visiting shelters to look for the right fit
Spouse: I agree. We should take our time and look for another herding dog for her to play with. But not rush into it.
Me: Yeah. Just START looking after a couple of months
(Less than a week later, two days in our new apartment)
Spouse: Look at how cute all these rescue dogs are on petfinder!
Me: very cute.
Spouse: This one seems perfect!
Me: Are you looking for another dog already?
Spouse: We did talk about it...
Me: Is this the "it's time to have another baby" conversation?
Spouse: We said we would be ready at some point!
Me: You're not wrong.
